My husband: "Imagine dicks."
Me: "Uh... what?"
My husband: "Imagine dicklets all over the floor!"

"Papercut the mosquito! PAPERCUT THE MOSQUITO!"


"That's my butthole."

After visiting a pet store and seeing a $4000 dollar monkey in an adorable dress, I teased my husband that either we could buy the new car we really needed or that monkey. He was not amused but that night in his sleep he said, "Yes Cathy, you can buy the monkey." That was 20 years ago and we still laugh about it to this day!

"The blanket is bleeding...."

"Dad, wake me up after the button..."

My friend's sister went into my friend's room to get something while she was sleeping, then Kirstie (my friend) sat up and said "Take the baby and kick it to its mother". Then she laid back down and carried on sleeping. Haha!

My cousin was asleep and I was playing PS2. Then he quietly said "meow..."

Me: "Hey, are you awake?"


"But if the whale sat on WWII, Missouri would be gone!"

The doorbell rings at like 9 o'clock and my brother says "I sense a disturbance in the force." He says he has no recollection of that event and I will never let it down.

"The Skechers saved me... My sneakers saved my ass goddammit leave me alone."

Once when I was in the hospital they had me on some meds. My dad told me I was completely asleep, and just sat straight up and said "Turn right on orange" and then laid back down. He was so confused.

My husband tried to wake me up one morning and I told him, "Just let me finish this level first."

"But muffins don't DO that...."

"It was on a hologram billboard!"

My step-mom was walking by her daughter Morgan's room and saw her hanging off the bed looking under it. So my step-mom went in and started looking under the bed and asked her what she was looking for, Morgan replied, "A slab of beef rolled under my bed." She then rolled back up into bed and didn't remember any of this in the morning.

My boyfriend and I were staying in Chicago in a hotel with some friends. As we were all laying there falling asleep, I nudged my boyfriend because he was snoring loudly. When I stopped nudging him, he grabbed my arm with a very firm grip, looked me straight in the eyes, and said in a stern and loud voice, "FRESHWATER FUCK!". He has absolutely no recollection of this whatsoever! He'll never live it down.

"I want the red dress. No! The red dress... it matches my pineapple."

We were all sitting around the TV one night watching wrestling. My step-dad had been asleep on the couch for some time now. When the announcer said "Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready too..." My step-dad raised his arm and yelled "TO RUMBLE." It was priceless.


Me: "The camels are thirsty."
Boyfriend: "Why?"
Me: "Because they're using them as bombs."

A frequent sleep-talker roommate: "No, no! If you press Control-A, then Control-B, then Control-I, the WHOLE thing will be bold and italics!!"

My husband was snoring so I poked him to make him stop. He sat up and
said,"You made me lose my cheeseburger!" I said "What?" He said " I
was at the window at Burger King and they were handing me my burger.
When you poked me I lost it" He then went right back to sleep. He had
just started a diet that week. I told him the next morning what
happened and he said I was controlling his diet even in his sleep.

Sleep talking friend sits up.
"The tea people!! The tea people are coming!!!"

One morning my little sister sat up and yelled "Peanuts in the ground!" and then went back to sleep! That was 9 years ago and we still laugh about it today.

My fiance rolled over, shook me by the shoulders and yelled "Close the door! She doesn't like the ones with the shells!!!"

Wesley, while up on his bed: "IT FEELS LIKE SALAD UP HERE!!"

Also, that same night: "Ooohh, it's all shiny....It reminds me of a starfish."

...5 minutes later...

Friend asleep: "Turn the laptop off.... It's blowing in my eyes like mount St. Helens."
Me: "You don't even know what mount St. Helens is."
Friend asleep: "Ya I do, it's the blind girl who can't see."

Dad (trying to wake me up): "Get up!"
Me: "But I don't even like Polar bears!"
Dad: "I don't know what that means, but get up!"
Me: "Alright already! But you don't have to wear a wizard hat!"
(awkward silence)
Me: "And wear a big white beard!"

"The fuzzy dinosaurs are cute but I prefer the baking soda bunnies."

My roommate in college once heard me say, "I'm going to find the Great Puppy Pile."

"The Llamas in your pants will lick you if you upset them."

My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and he has always said the most random things, but one stands out the most. One night I was still up reading and he was asleep. All of a sudden he kind of sat up and asked me "Do you hear that?" I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he heard a strange noise. I asked him what it sounded like and he said "It sounded like a unicorn getting scooped out of a birthday cake.....??" I still wonder what that sounds like.

One night that I stayed at my friend's house, her father fell asleep in the living room. We walked through to get to the kitchen and he yelled, "Bring me my fireproof pants! The moose is on the ceiling again..." We still joke about it and he still doesn't believe us.

My husband jumps up and stands on the bed in his underwear in the middle of the night and screams, "You make me claustrophobic!" He then proceeds to get snuggled up in bed again and rolls over and yells out, "Bitch!"


Me: "What?"


"My PlayStation won't make toast... tell your bologna to eat toe jam."

"No, that banana is wayyy too sparkly."

I was spending the night at my best friend's house. We were both about 8 or 9 years old. She fell asleep way before I did and I was watching TV. She sits up and mumbles under her breath. I was like what? Then she screamed at me, "We have to go get the fucking pork pants you dumbass!!!" Shocked, I was like what are you talking about?? She then said,"Aww SHIT!!! I... Dammit... You little shithead!!! You made me forget!!!" Then she layed back down and turned away from me and whispered,"Don't worry Jesse McCartney, it's going to be ok...". To this day she doesn't remember and claims she has never cussed in her life.

My friend was asleep on the couch when he started acting agitated and said, "Stop following me! I almost touched the ocean..."

"Dad, we need to make sure the nuns have enough food."

My mom, dad, brother, and I were all in the living room watching TV. My Dad was asleep. A commercial for Nexium Came on and my brother asked, "Does the purple pill hurt?" Then my dad in his sleep said, "Only if you shove it up your ass." To this day he doesn't remember saying that, this was 5 years ago.